Shahni was 2 years old when her dad and I separated. So her childhood memories are of going between houses, different rules at each house, the introduction of a step-mother or step-father, step-siblings … it was confusing, upsetting, scary and traumatic. And yet, I always tell people that my children had a good, sound, stable up-bringing. Who am I kidding?
Shahni is one of nine children … in the bigger scheme of things. She has an older half-brother, whom I’ve always tried to encourage her to have contact with. Now she is almost 20 I don’t have to do that. She does it on her own. Their bond is strong and I love that. That was what I always wanted for her. She also has two older step-siblings as her dad married after our separation. Then there are her younger siblings – two half-brothers and a half-sister – that I gifted her. It really is a tangled little of web of family. (Just in here, I say half-siblings, but I NEVER and Shahni has NEVER referred to them as half. They are all brothers and sisters – whanau, whanau). And then … but wait there is more … there are two older step-sisters that have been added to our family tree (forest) from my current partner.
Yes, a sound, stable up-bringing I tell you!
Then there is Noah, India and Zeb. They all have the same dad, but different to Shahni. Their dad has remarried, introducing two step-brothers. Again, memories of a childhood packing bags, going in between houses, getting used to different sets of rules, a custody battle – not quite the memories you want your children to hang onto.
And of course, there is my partner with his 2 daughters. Oh the tangled web we weave.
It is timely to now say that my Mum had 3 children. Neil, Lisa and myself. We all have different fathers. My brother was the only child from our Mum and his dad. My sister was also the only child from our Mum and her dad, but has 3 step-siblings. (In a little twist there are half-siblings but that is a whole new story, new can of worms, yet another tangled, woven web). And then there is me, 5 half-siblings, all older than me on my Dad’s side. One half-sister, just a month older than me. So, all the cliches come to me here … “history repeats” … “apple never falls far from the tree” … and so on and so forth.
I only ever wanted to give my children a “sound, stable up-bringing”. In my mind, I was going to marry, have children, buy a house, get a dog and have the family wagon … white picket fence and all the trimmings. That was my ideal. That was what I thought a “sound, stable, up-bringing” should be. My ideal was shattered with domestic violence, alcohol and drug abuse, extra-marital affairs, pornography and sex addictions, depression, suicide, divorce. Things I never thought of when creating my ideal in my head. It turns out my ideal was not at all reality. It was all “pie in the sky” stuff. It’s what goes on behind that white picket fence that all too often those on the outside don’t get to see. The stuff that gets swept under the carpet and never spoken about.
So, like my own Mum, wahine toa, I went out on my own and did my damndest to give my beautiful children the upbringing they deserved. To feel safe, secure, loved, surrounded by people that love, respect and cherish them. Because let’s face it, they may not have grown up with both of their parents in the same household but they grew up knowing they were loved by many … it takes a village to raise a child. This tangled web I wove was not always the best choice, it wasn’t my ideal and sometimes I find myself thinking it was my mistake … all in all … their childhood was what it was. We have 1000’s of great memories. These children are fabulous, somewhat quirky and clued up. I can only hope they go out into the big wide world and do great things.